Why Did I Not Go Back Home?

The easiest way to begin reflecting upon this is to consider why I thought I would have to leave. There were obvious reasons such as home-sickness and being overwhelmed by the new lifestyle, but these are factors that are quite natural and to be expected when living away from home for a prolonged period of time.

Instead it was my own personal lack of self-belief and confidence, which has often plagued me throughout my life, often making me feel inadequate, which rose to the surface once again filling me with an unbearable degree of doubt. I questioned how I could possible fit into the lifestyle here, how I could possibly be accepted, how I could learn all of the procedures and how the ranch community functions, and most of all how I could possibly be a useful community member given how competent, driven and focused everyone appeared to be.

I further became daunted by the idea of 30 weeks here, becoming fixated by this number and how long it seemed rather than taking things day by day; it caused me to run around in circles of overthinking. This had the consequence of obscuring my focus and ability to perform even simple tasks which only fed further into my growing self-doubt and diminishing self-confidence.

This combination of factors led me to be adamant that I was too weak willed to make a success of this and subsequently cut short my journey here before it had even begun. So why exactly did I choose to stay?

The trigger was really quite simple and began with the process of learning to chop wood. I was taught how to do so one morning and, unsurprisingly, I was no good at first. I stuck at it, paying close attention to my own technique, and by the afternoon I was chopping logs with some good success. This simple yet pertinent process of learning, perseverance, and eventual success reflected to me on a microcosmic scale what I might achieve if I applied the same principles to all aspects of life at the ranch.

I then began to consider what I thought would improve in my life if I actually returned home, and the conclusion I reached was best summed up by my brother when he said ‘there is nothing for you here,’ i.e. Meaning no scope for fulfillment. I couldn’t help but acknowledge the truth in this, to return home would have been a purely reactionary decision born out of a desire for comfort and indicative of weakness. Certainly not a decision born out of rationality nor long-term thought.

Once I had made the decision to stay and committed my mind to this the fog was lifted from my mind, and focus returned to me. I began to think of the endless possibilities that life at the ranch may hold if I persevere. I continue to have tough moments and periods where I doubt my abilities, but I’m now able to look at them in a more rational manner, using the negative feelings as jet-fuel to motivate me and push myself forth toward successes and a more positive sense of self.

Tom, UK